Losing Him
by Mishkin
Summary: "It's time for you to choose strength." After the death of Goku, Chi-Chi struggles to pull herself back together. A friend notices her depression and encourages her to be strong. A short story about the sorrows of life and the decision to move on.
1. Chapter 1

Chi-Chi looked down at the small child; at his chest rising and falling with each steady breath. His little hand was curled into a fist, and a spot of drool was on his chin. She looked at him, and loved him with everything she had. At three years old, Goten was her youngest son of two.

Her eldest son, Gohan, was sleeping in his own bed, though not in a separate room. After Goku's death, Chi-Chi had insisted on moving him in to be with her and they had transformed his old room into an exercise center. When Chi-Chi turned over to her other side, she could just see Gohan's sleeping form sprawled across the bed: one arm above his head and the other draping over the side to the floor. His mouth was open, and every so often he let out a gentle snore.

Chi-Chi's eyebrows creased as she watched him and reached a hand out toward him-past the long empty space where a cold ghost lay—as if she could cross the distance and touch him. Nowadays, it seemed sleep was the only time Gohan was hers. Treasured and precious in her heart. Ever since Goku's death three years before, the now-twelve-year-old boy had become less clingy and more…mature somehow. Of course he was devastated by his father's death, but he had learned to cope well, while Chi-Chi remained desperately heartbroken. Chi-Chi felt she was losing Gohan. He was growing up; he didn't need her like he used to. He didn't actively seek out her attention anymore. With a silent, choked cry, Chi-Chi closed her eyes and turned back around to Goten.

 _I am losing him. Just like I lost my husband._

Struck by a heavy bout of emotion, Chi-Chi lowered her face and buried her nose in Goten's springy hair. How long would it be before he, too, asked for his own bed? How long before he, too, started to fall away?

She continued rubbing her face in his dark hair—so much like Goku's. It was so soft. So feather-soft to the touch. Taking a chance, Chi-Chi wrapped her arms around the small body and pulled him close. He let out a little sigh and twitched, but did not wake.

Chi-Chi closed her eyes again, and a tear rolled down her cheek and into Goten's hair. Of course he was a hard sleeper like his father. For as long as she knew him, Goku had slept as hard as a rock.

Goku.

How long had it been since someone had held her? Since someone had looked at her and loved her? Goten was clingy at this part of his life, but Chi-Chi was becoming increasingly paranoid about losing him. Like she had lost the love of her life. Like she was losing her precious son, Gohan. If Goten stopped needing her, she would have no one. There was Bulma, of course, but in some ways Chi-Chi could not connect with Bulma. In some ways their bond ended after a mutual friendship with Son Goku. Everyone else thought she was annoying. An annoying and loud and harsh and overbearing mother.

Another tear escaped.

She was alone.

She was lonely.

She missed Goku and his cheerful smile and his unearthly patience. She missed his strong arms and gentle touch. She even missed those moments when he forgot his own strength and she'd had to pay for it. He had left her without even a "goodbye." He had left her all alone.

Chi-Chi hugged Goten closer and he moaned a bit in sheepish protest, but made no further attempts to stop her cuddling. And Chi-Chi held him and cried until morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Chi-Chi's morning routine began with brushing her teeth and getting dressed. She had always been an early-riser, though Goten usually wasn't far behind. The small boy was often kept entertained by helping his mother with breakfast.

Gohan, on the other hand, frequently annoyed Chi-Chi by sleeping in and avoiding the morning meal. Those days breakfast frequently ended with a heated argument between Chi-Chi and her eldest.

On that particular morning Chi-Chi was not in the mood for Gohan's laziness. The night's emotional turmoil had gradually turned from sadness to bitterness. That morning while she tied her hair back to keep it from getting in the food, Chi-Chi had been struck by a revelation: Son Goku was selfish. He was nothing but an arrogant, bull-headed man who never thought of the consequences before he acted. If he had been any different, he wouldn't have insisted on staying dead.

Chi-Chi frowned and began stirring some ingredients for a pancake mix. She couldn't believe how stupid she had been. She wasn't some silly little weakling who couldn't take care of herself. She was strong and resilient, like the two children she had raised by herself.

"Mama?"

She was satisfied with her life; she didn't need some selfish man to complete her.

"Mama?"

Chi-Chi turned towards the voice, and in the process of doing so, dropped the bowl of pancake mix on the floor.

"Look what you made me do!" she yelled, her face turning red. "We're having cereal instead!"

"I'm sorry," an ashamed Goten shuffled forward and meant to pick up the bowl that had dropped to help his mother, but she snatched it away from him.

"I can do it!" she snapped. "I can do it, just-just go get your brother!" And with that, Chi-Chi grabbed a rag and focused all of her attention on the splattered pancake mix. After several, long seconds Goten left to wake Gohan. Chi-Chi was shaking as she cleaned the rest of the mix.

 _It isn't his fault, s_ he thought, her anger dissolving under sudden guilt.

 _It isn't his fault I got angry. It isn't his fault that any of this happened._

Chi-Chi was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she nearly jumped out of her skin when someone pounded on the front door. She could hear something crashing around in the bedroom, suggesting that Gohan was getting up.

Chi-Chi opened the door, revealing a green-faced Piccolo. Of course, as a Namekin, he was _always_ green, but it was always a bit startling to Chi-Chi.

"Is Gohan ready for our training?" he asked.

Chi-Chi's eyes narrowed.

"I don't remember inviting you," she said, placing a hand on her hip.

Piccolo said nothing, only looked at her.

"You can't take him out now, it's breakfast!" she said. To her embarrasement her voice cracked.

"Yo, Piccolo!" Gohan's voice chirped from behind her. Chi-Chi turned and shook her fist at him.

"So you won't wake up for me, but when _Piccolo_ shows up you're suddenly a morning person!"

"Mom-" Gohan began. Chi-Chi cut him off with a snarl.

"Go eat your cereal."

Piccolo chose that moment to walk past her into the house. He looked around the kitchen for a while before grabbing his own bowl from the cupboard and filling it with the cereal that was now on the table. Thrilled at this early-morning change of pace, Goten sat next to Piccolo and chose the same cereal and began filling his own bowl with milk.

Chi-Chi was beside herself. Where was her frying pan?

"I don't remember saying you could have any of my food!"

"I need the milk next, Goten," Piccolo said, paying no heed to the furious woman behind him. Her sudden outbursts of anger were no surprise to him, and in fact, he would have been more concerned if she hadn't greeted him in a similar way.

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Chi-Chi pointed at the door and Goten seemed to shrink in his chair from her outburst.

 _It isn't his fault,_ Chi-Chi thought. _It isn't anyone's fault._ Her hand fell to her sides in defeat.

"Mom, are you okay?" Gohan was looking at her with his dark eyes. Chi-Chi looked at him and her heart softened. She loved him-loved them both-so much.

 _They don't deserve this. I don't deserve sons like them._

"Mom?" Gohan sounded...almost concerned. He hadn't spoken to her like that for so long. Her heart broke. Why was she so angry all the time? Why couldn't she express her feelings like a normal woman?

Avoiding her son's gaze, Chi-Chi brought her hands together.

"You can go out with Piccolo today, Gohan," she said. "Be home in time for supper, and don't deface the earth too much, okay?"

Piccolo had stood up and was looking at her. She could feel his cold gaze boring into her. Gohan pumped his fist in the air.

"Woo! Let's go, Piccolo!" he cried, jumping up and running out of the house. "Thanks, Mom!"

Piccolo gave her one last look before following the boy. As he was crossing the threshold, Chi-Chi called after him.

"Piccolo?"

He stopped and turned back, listening. His gaze seemed softer for some reason. Chi-Chi wrung her hands together.

"I-I'm sorry," she said.

 _I'm sorry for wanting to hit you with a frying pan. I''m sorry I don't always let Gohan train with you as much as I should. I'm sorry I yelled at Goten without apologizing._

No wonder Gohan hadn't said goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

Chi-Chi was looking through her old scrapbook while Goten ran around the house trying to get rid of all his seemingly unending energy. It was nearing midday and he was getting restless, but Chi-Chi hadn't been in the mood to go anywhere.

"Mom! Check out this move!" Goten yelled, flying past his mother.

"Mmm-hmm." She barely looked up from her book, but she could feel his frusterated glare.

"Mom you didn't even look at me!"

"Yes, I did."

"No, you didn't!"

Chi-Chi sighed and slammed the scrapbook shut. Instead of returning his glare, she looked at her young son feeling immeasureably tired.

"You're such a handsome boy," she said approvingly. Goten's frown deepened and he crossed his arms.

" _No, mom_. I don't care about that, I was talking about this!" And with that, the small boy leapt into the air and kicked out with his leg, knocking down a nearby lamp in the process. When his feet hit the floor, the house seemed to shake a little.

 _Well he's definately Goku's boy,_ Chi-Chi thought. She put a hand on her hip and smiled at him.

"That was some dropkick, Goten," she said, "that lamp has been rendered completely helpless."

Goten looked at the lamp sheepishly and Chi-Chi couldn't help laughing at his little face. He brightened at the sound and ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her legs.

"I like it when you laugh, Mommy."

Hearing him call her "Mommy" broke something inside of Chi-Chi. Before she could do anything to stop them, a cascade of tears flooded down her cheeks. Goten was obviously surprised and he looked up at his mother with concern.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying? I'm sorry for the lamp, but he'll be okay. You didn't like my special moves?"

Wordlessly, Chi-Chi gathered her son into her arms and held him to her chest, burying her head once again his feather-soft hair. She sat there, shaking and rocking him, apologizing profusely.

That was where, moments later, Gohan and Piccolo found her.

"Mom?" Gohan immediately rushed to his mother's side. Havig her older son dote on her in front of Piccolo was too much. A flush of embarrasment crossed her face and she set Goten down and wiped her face on her sleeve.

"I'm fine," she pushed Gohan away, but his eyebrows remained pinched. Chi-Chi did her best to ignore him and instead gave Piccolo her best "fiery-daggers" look. The green man was watching her carefully, and showed no emotion whatsoever at her look.

"Mom, I'm really worried about you. You aren't acting like yourself these days, and I don't know how to help you."

Chi-Chi stood up. "I'm really fine, I was just hugging your brother and had an allergic reaction to the chemicals wafting from his shirt. I keep telling you to seperate the colors from the whites!"

"Mom..." Gohan raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't even make any sense."

"Yes it does! Now go clean yourself, you smell bad!"

"Fine, fine," Gohan gave his mentor a "thumb's up" and bid him adieu before walking off down the hallway with Goten at his heels. The poor boy probably didn't know how to handle himself after she broke down in front of him like that. As the rest of her tears dissolved, Chi-Chi turned to Piccolo.

"Thank you..." she started, feeling strangely and suddenly vulnerable. "Thank you for returning him."

"I always return him." Piccolo's answer was immediate. His eyes didn't leave hers for one moment. There was an awkward silence as Chi-Chi tried to find her wits. She racked her brain for a sassy retort; there had to be one in there somewhere.

"Chi-Chi," Piccolo spoke again and Chi-Chi forgot her search for comebacks. She blinked at him.

"Chi-Chi, Son Goku wouldn't want you to act like this," Piccolo continued. The name _Son Goku_ caused her to stumble back a little. She hadn't expected the alien to mention him.

"Son Goku didn't give his life just so you could sit here and crumble from grief. I know you miss him, but it's time to move on. It's time for you to choose strength."

Chi-Chi swallowed and forced herself to turn away from him. After several long moments, she heard Piccolo's retreating footsteps, and then the front door clicked shut.

 _It's time for you to choose strength._

It was so quiet she could hear a crash from somewhere in the house, and the faint sound of the shower running. So Gohan had obeyed her, after-all. The thought brought a smile to Chi-Chi's lips. He hadn't left her. He was home, and he had heard her. He would leave her one day, but then, so would she leave him. Leave them both to be reunited with her beloved Goku.

"Mommy!" Goten came running down the hallway.

 _It's time for you to choose strength._

"Goten, what have I been doing?" Chi-Chi asked. Her son stopped in his tracks. Eventually, he shrugged.

"Um...you're standing in the living room?"

Chi-Chi rasied an eyebrow at him and a grin crossed her lips. She crossed her arms and stuck out a hip.

"Goten what have _you_ been doing? I heard something crash."

Goten's face turned red and he wrung his hands together.

"Well, see, I was sort of trying to climb up the wall and knocked over some stuff..."

"Oh? What sort of stuff, now?" Chi-Chi went over to the small child and loomed over him like the daunting authority figure she was.

 _Choose strength._

"Well, um...the table in your..." Goten's words became more and more indistinguishable in his mumbling. Chi-Chi picked up the boy and positioned him under her arm and headed for the front door.

"But not the table in the bedroom, right?"

"Um..."

"RIGHT, GOTEN? NOT MY NICE TABLE?" Chi-Chi practically kicked the door down and placed Goten on the grass.

"It was your nice table in the bedroom."

"Were you practicing more moves, then?" she asked. Goten nodded.

"Alright, Goten, since you're strong enough to break a lamp and knock over a nice table while attempting to climb the wall, it's time for you to move it outside. Oh, and Goten?"

Goten hid his face behind his hands, ready for immediate punishment. Instead, Chi-Chi rolled up her sleeves and remade the bun in her hair.

"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, BOY!"

Goten stood and looked at his mother with a shocked expression. Just then, Gohan came out of the house wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

"There you guys are, I was wondering-" Gohan was cut off by the sound of his mother screaming and running at his younger brother at full speed. "Wha-?"

Chi-Chi hadn't noticed Gohan emerge from the house, and though her target was Goten, she pummeled right into Gohan. The two of them fell to the ground, and Chi-Chi growled at him.

"Why in the world did you come out here wearing nothing but a towel! Your brother was just about to show me some cool moves!" she yelled. She sprang up and resumed her race towards Goten. Gohan turned to see his mother and younger brother hit each other once, before both flying backwards.

"GOTEN!" Gohan went to Chi-Chi's side, but she was already getting up. A huge smile was plastered on her face.

To her sons' surprise, she said: "That's more like it! I haven't raised weaklings for sons at least!"

"What is going on? Why are you guys fighting?" Gohan asked. Chi-Chi smiled at him.

"Why, you want to join? I'm stronger than you might think, and Goten over here has apparantly got a whole bucket-load of moves stored up in that adorable little body of his."

Gohan looked from his mother to Goten, who was getting more excited by the minute.

"Mom that was awesome!"

"Darn right it was," Chi-Chi smirked, "Gohan, go get dressed. You're gonna want to be a part of this."

"Yeah! I love fighting with Gohan!" Goten pumped his fist in the air and Gohan smiled at the sight. He put an arm around his mother.

"It's good to have you smiling, Mom," he said.

"Oh, Gohan, I love you." Chi-Chi wasn't normally so blunt about her feelings. Goten walked closer and she pulled him in for a hug and kissed the top of his head.

"I love you, too, Mom."

Chi-Chi's smile grew wider.

 _I miss you Son Goku, but_

 _I will not crumble._

 _If strength is a choice,_

 _I choose it._


End file.
